see? I told you so

new home

2007-02-25T19:38:00.000+11:00

I've finally launched my own site, and tchick has a new home

Roll on 2007

2007-01-31T06:08:00.000+11:00

My god it's been so long since I've posted here that I'd forgotten my password!

I doubt anyone reads this tired old blog these days. I know nick does, as he messages me from time to time to tell me how much it sucks.

A guy at work recently told me about a Firefox plugin called stumbleupon that discovers random sites for you based on a checklist of categories you nominate on setting up. I was amused to see "drugs" as one of the categories, but went right ahead and ticked them all to see what happened.

I wasn't really impressed by the whole "social networking" concept behind stumbleupon and was impatient through the setup thinking this can't possibly be of any interest to me. So the first site it discovered for me was Mouse Party (turn your sound down if you're going to click on this link, cause I'm telling you now, that music is eight kinds of annoying.)

Maybe it's because it's six in the morning and I've been awake since three, but this site is hysterical - it's a flash animated site featuring mice on drugs, clearly aimed at nerdy intelligent high school kids who want to learn what all those crazy drugs they're taking are really doing to the synapses of their brain. The site features a tank of mice havin a party. It reminds me a little of a comedian I saw once doing stereotyped impressions of different drug fucked people at a party - there's drunk mouse, stoned mouse, smacked out mouse, peaking mouse etc.

I've just dragged stoned mouse into the armchair and am listening to a very annoying american woman tell me about the body's own native canabinoid called annandamine. I had no idea ... you learn something every day. It's kind of making me want to smoke a joint though. Is that wrong at 6.30 in the morning?

I'll post a screen shot later when I can work how to use "Paint". Honestly - where's the fucking crop tool? Windoze is doing my head in. What's with all these beeping noises? seriously how do you people cope?

Screw this, I'm going to work.

well it's nice to be back in blogland either way.

True Stories From around the World

2006-09-16T17:29:00.000+10:00

I've just bought a delightful compilation of Travel Tales, introduced by by a wonderfully eloquent and self confessed frequently sullen author: Herbert Gold

"Behold, here is a man doing battle with his khaki clad peripatetic sould to overcome impulses toward jealousy as he reads accounts by [list of authors...]"

I know how he feels.

But I have always despised travel writing, being of a practical and impatient nature, I've never understood why anyone would want to read about a stranger's adventures from the safety of their armchair when they could just go out and experience it all for themselves. And yes, I can see the flaw in my logic. Flaws of logic are a specialty of mine, just ask any of my friends.

Take this conversation with my housemate for instance. (paraphrasing)

On arriving in the house, book in hand, wearing a fabulously spring-time floral cleavage revealing shirt:

T: (greets me with scornful derision) girly shirt wearing person

Me: yes, and look, I bought a pretty dress with butterflies on it

T: sneer

Me: and look, a book about travel writing. YOU should be reading this.

[T. is off to tour Europe on Wednesday - house to myself - I may smoke a cigarette inside. I hope he doesn't read this blog]

T: I certainly don't intend to be having any adventures, and if I did, I wouldn't be writing about them

Me: What you're not going to be sending us postcards? You should send lots of postcards, you should START A BLOG

T: No offence, but blogs are for ..... (searching for the right words)

Me: boring, middle of the road, tediously average people with too much time on their hands

T: (face lights up) YES! exactly

Me: thankyou you've just given me an idea

So I burned out onto the balcony to smoke two cigarettes while I wait for my recently returned laptop to boot up. 20 minutes later I'm still staring at the grey apple logo as it churns algorithms. Anonymous Bogon: what HAVE you done to my laptop?

but i digress

I'm fascinated by the fact that since written language was invented people have be compelled to record their inner thoughts, no matter how insightful or bland. In fact I'm convinced that written language was invented because of this.

I don't believe that writing has to be technically brilliant, eloquent, well edited or disciplined to be interesting. When I first discovered the blogosphere I spent weeks returning to a randomly discovered blog reading about a 24 year old dental technician from Idaho who was naively trying to manipulate her boyfriend into marrying her "I mean, honestly, just because i sent him a link to A jewellery shop that sells engagement rings, it's not like i was HINTING at anything, GOD. I just thought they were pretty" I wish I could remember that link now.

I'll read anything and everything. I just can't get enough of reading. I read That's Life, I read the Age Australian, I read the back of ceral packets. I'm tortured by the fact that I'm not studying any more and dying for someone to challenge me with a decent text. I'm lucky enough to have a few friends who have written delightful books, one who is completing a pHd in philosophy, one who does book reviews for the Age, one who contributes to Desktop magazine, and one who frequently bcc's me into his wonderfully written sometimes scathing and always entertaining email correspondences.

I am ashamed at my attempts to write in the face of such brilliantly talented people. I caught up with a dear old friend who lectures in Philosophy recently and lamented that we don't see each other nearly enough.

He: "I see you frequently at this (well known drinking hole) but I'm always intimidated by the size of your friendship group."

Me: "yes, and I by the intellect of yours."

Having said that I'd like to take this chance to leave you with (a very limited and not exhaustive) list of links to some of my favourite, frequently read blogs, would like to ask you for links to more and will also quote some shakespeare just to be a bit of a wanker.

Scrap that, am running late for something, links already on sidebar - will edit this post later.

William Shakespeare: Sonnet 65

Since brasse, nor stone, nor earth, nor boundlesse sea,
But sad mortallity ore-swaies their power,
How with this rage shall beautie hold a plea,
Whose action is no stronger then a flower?

O how shall summers hunny breath hold out
Against the wrackfull siedge of battring dayes,
When rocks impregnable are not so stoute,
Nor gates of steele so strong but time decayes?
O fearefull meditation; where, alack,

Shall times best Iewell from times chest lie hid?
Or what strong hand can hold his swift foote back,
Or who his spoile ore beautie can forbid?

O none, vnlesse this miracle haue might,
That in black inck my loue may still shine bright.

Innocence of Advertising in the Sixties

2006-09-15T11:52:00.000+10:00

Well isn't fanny lucky?

you had me at hello.

Well it's been a while ...

2006-09-14T09:44:00.000+10:00

I'm trying to invent a word that describes the phenomenon in the blogosphere where people neglect their blogs for months on end, return briefly to say "I haven't posted for ages, but I promise I'll post regularly from now on" and then promptly disappear into the ether.

A quick and random survey of the blogosphere:

A 25 year old Dirty Greek boy in the States lamented in August that he was too busy studying to post to his blog, but he was back on September 11 to contemplate the gravity of the 5 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

(I laughed last night when a friend mentioned her favourite newspaper headline about that incident was "HOLY FUCKING SHIT")

Some guy claiming to be the king of the blogosphere hasn't posted for a while because he's been walking the earth like caine from Kung Fu making right what once went wrong.

This proud geek is apparently a serial blog neglector. But that's because he's busy being a geek, playing poker, playing computer games, and watching baseball.

Harry Ragan from Michigan didn't post for a while because he was busy getting married to the love of his life and apparently buying a couple of new cars.

So what's my excuse?

Well...

Let's just say I've been learning a lot.

I've learned a lot about friendship, a lot about myself and a lot about about people, and let me tell you:

people never . cease . to amaze me.

Take this for instance. This shit gives me nightmares, I don't know why:

hat tip to nick

New Toy - I'm so excited I can hardly speak

2006-05-11T12:20:00.000+10:00

OK
So it's been a while. At one stage I was actually collecting links to other people's blogs who'd written things like, Sorry I haven't posted for a few months, but I'm back now, and I'll post lots of exciting things.... and then nothing. It's obviously a common phenomenon. I wonder if anyone's come up for a word to describe it yet? I might put my mind to that and come up with one as soon as I get over the excitement of THIS:

arriving on my desk this morning.

Big thanks go out to the AUC and apologies to all the staff I work with for running around the office waving it people's faces saying "are you jealous? huh? huh?"

So the aim of the game is to get Windoze running on this thing at work, and report back to the AUC on how successful or otherwise it has been in various workplace situations. I'm planning to blog about it as well, and I'm considering this lovely forum as a place to do it, so watch this space for updates.

I couldn't resist throwing this one in: Could I fit any more computers on my desk?

test

2006-04-20T11:47:00.000+10:00

test

Breakdancing midget

2006-01-03T12:27:00.000+11:00

Ok this is just freaking weird. Someone found us by google searching for "breakdancing midget". When the fuck were we discussing breakdancing midgets on this blog? I remember a hell of a lot of talk about Tommy Lee, but nothing about midgets. Or "pulitzer vulture kevin carter sudan snopes" for that matter. It's a strange old world out there I tells ya.

Roll on 2006

2005-12-31T00:34:00.000+11:00

It's crazy, it's controversial, but i've started a new blog.

tchickblog

It's new, it's neat, it's nerdy and it's never been seen .... yet ... well maybe once now.

Merry Christmas (I don't want to fight tonight)

2005-12-22T09:54:00.000+11:00

Because there'll be no Ramones for Christmas this year, I got us the next best thing:

Classic Christmas songs done Ramones style by East Los Angeles Ramones tribute band, Los Ramons.

Of course they do 'Feliz Navidad'. They also do 'Drummer Boy', a carol whose provenance baffles me. Did beats really accompany the birth of Jesus? Really? Maybe I should have paid more attention in Religious Ed.

Anyway, have a listen here.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all.

With love from me (and likely from the rest of the S?ITYS crew if they dont get their blog on).

Dear Tommy Lee

2005-12-08T10:30:00.000+11:00

You are undeniably hot

when you are not doing stupid things to your hair like this:

And you're hung. (I would post photos but figured that everyone's seen the infamous video, and if they haven't it's quite easily Googled.)

I was going to write that you are the worst DJ ever, but after thinking about it, you weren't any worse than a normal club DJ. On the plus side you did have a breakdancing midget, which was very entertaining - if only he kicked himself in the head Wee Man-style! That sort of antic is really funny. And I actually mean that.

It's not like I didn't know you weren't going to play a lot of wave-your-hands-in-the-air house anthems. And I'm sorry that your party was held in such a dive; the Loft's a hole with no character and no ambience, and your PR people could have done better.

So why am I whinging? I'm fucking tired this morning because I stayed up late watching you shake your bony ass behind the decks while someone else actually played the records.

Plus 50 minutes for Motorhead on Tuesday night, while you guys played for TWO WHOLE HOURS? Seriously, you guys don't even have 15 minutes worth of good songs - 'Shout at the Devil', 'Kickstart my Heart', 'Dr Feelgood'? Maybe 'Girls Girls Girls', and those on a nostalgia/ sentiment trip might plump for 'Home Sweet Home.' But that's it - maximum five songs out of a 20-odd year career.

Not that I saw your show; I left before you guys came on. One of the reasons I left was the disrespectful way you have treated Motorhead on this tour. Clearly, you and your 'bros' are surrounded by sycophants and kiss-ups who have protected you from the truth that your musical 'legacy' involves spandex and Aqua-Net. But no Motorhead = no speed or thrash metal. I'll even go so far to say that without Motorhead, the sound of rock'n'roll and metal today would be completely different But remove you guys from the musical gene pool and we'd have no Poison, Skidders or Warrant. And wouldn't that be shame?

Anyway, you couldn't compete with Motorhead, even with all the midgets, dancing girls, pyro and tittycam in the world. Motorhead are fuck off old. Phil made a few mistakes (but he was non compis when we left him at 6.30pm). And they didn't play 'Iron Fist', 'Motorhead', or 'Rock'n'Roll' (likely because they only had 50 minutes and no encore, which is the fault of your band). But that's beside the point - why stick around for Motley's exercise in inanity after one of the most amazing shows of my life?

So I fucked off next door and saw the Foo Fighters on comps instead. I don't even particularly rate the Foos, but I bet they were better than you. Plus there was the vicious rumour going 'round that Lemmy would join Dave on stage for 'Shake Your Blood', but 'twas not to be. But what is life without hope and dreams?

Sorry Tommy, I don't mean to rag on you so hard. I'm just really tired today. You're damn goodlooking and quite the porkswordsman from what I read; you're rich and lauded wherever you go, so my pissing and moaning is nothing. But I'm glad I got this off my chest.

With Love,
Countess xo

Did you know there are interesting things to put in your blog?

2005-12-05T17:24:00.000+11:00

I'm absolutely burying time at a crossroads with a stake through it's heart today, aren't I? But check this:

Who's YOUR daddy?

Your Daddy Is Ozzy Osbourne

What You Call Him: Papi

Why You Love Him: He's the Mack Daddy

Who's Your Daddy?

And you know it's righteous stuff

2005-12-05T10:25:00.000+11:00

I have waited 14 years for this.

Being underage sucked in 1991. Why didn't Freeza or Push or whatever lame-o organisation aiming to keep kidz off the streets and off the drugs and out of the maternity wards by promoting safe alcohol free spaces for them to rock out in arrange a Motorhead gig? Who actually wanted to see Frenzal Rhomb and Regurgitator, anyway? Or an abortion like Grinspoon? *shudders*

People with bad taste, I suppose. They're always spoiling things for everyone else with their populist demands for Bernard Fanning solo records and Green Day/My Chemical Romance tours.

Anyway, I am going to see Motorhead tomorrow night.

who said O Week was only for first years

2005-12-02T10:03:00.000+11:00

I don't know where to start with this.

All i can say is that I need to share the pain.

A while ago, over coffees at Castros, someone asked Nick if he thought it was possible to drink two litres of milk without throwing up.

"Of course it's possible" says nick with a nonchalant wave of the hand.

methinks this classy little movie proves otherwise

(You'll need Quicktime to see it)

special huh?

2005-11-29T15:25:00.000+11:00

No Sleep 'til Vodafone

2005-11-29T09:55:00.000+11:00

Next Tuesday. D'you think I can stay awake 'til then?

It's true: unionised workers get more sex!*

2005-11-15T15:45:00.000+11:00

Can someone explain Lefty Tim to me, please? When did a former Big Brother housemate become a spokesperson for my generation?

I'm asking because he was one of the 'celebrities' throwing down in support of Australian workers yesterday. I'd assume that you were all there, but who (besides the Shadow) knows what darkness lurks in the hearts of one's friends and neighbours? I’ve noticed that as people age, their prejudices tend to ossify, and formerly relaxed, community-minded and thoughtful people become more scared and large-L Liberal once they hit the marriage-mortgage-kids belt.

"I'm too busy" just doesn't cut it, people - there'll be plenty of time to be busy next year once these reforms become law and you enjoy fewer leave entitlements and are under increased pressure to work unpaid overtime.

Anyway, I don't hate Tim. He seems like a perfectly reasonable, intelligent fellow, sincerely committed to the causes he espouses. Probably the most intriguing thing about him is his incredible capacity to cope with mind-numbing, soul-destroying boredom; he hacked 12 weeks in the BB house, surrounded by an especially - even by the low standards of reality TV - moronic and useless gaggle of homophobes, rednecks and chauvinists. Though who is the bigger moron - the BB housemates for going for the golden ring of fame and potential fortune, or me for having watched enough BB to have formed opinions about them? Hmmm...

I'm just boggled by the response he's engendered. Some women have expressed the desire to marry him (or very least have him touch them intimately). Many others wish that he was their best friend, and have spent time making little banners attesting to this:

One blogger felt as devastated by Tim's loss of BB to one of the Logans as s/he did by the Howard Government's election victory last year (unfortunately I can't remember who or where, but trust me, ‘kay?).

A long, tall glass of perspective, anyone?

In particular, why is he so popular with the laydeez (excluding the two nurses standing behind me at the rally today, who had no idea who he was)? I can't believe it is just because of his political views. Sharing the politics of a potential mate is nice and all; it’s something over which you can bond or jerk each other off as you realise your superiority over less thoughtful and committed mortals. But is it enough? There's lots of commentators with palatable views on politics and economics, but I don't really want to sex Tim Colebatch. Or Michelle Grattan. I'd certainly give Christopher Hitchens a red hot go, but this would likely be a hatefuck given his inexplicable support for the war in Iraq. Or possibly a Children of God-style attempt to flirty fish him back to reality. Either way, I am very confused and feeling somewhat betrayed by the current incarnation of my favourite intellectual.

I suspect it's it more to do with the fact that Tim has a modicum of fame. Fame makes men more attractive to women; it's an evolutionary psychology and -biology thing to do with alpha males that tchick can probably explain a whole lot better than I can. Let me state my case in pictures:

Exhibit A**:

Exhibit B:

Exhibit C:

(Only the most special kind of fuckwit have their own names tattooed on their person).

Would any of these guys have hordes of chicks throwing themselves at them if they were not famous?

Would Lefty Tim?

Check him here.

* Nightclub appearances a) don't really count as work and b) tend to contraindicate this phenomenon

** I feel bad about this. Poor Dave Mustaine.

Do you ever actually do ANYTHING on Friday night, 'cause I've never seen you out

2005-11-10T09:34:00.000+11:00

Tuesday's post urged you to do something righteous; thanks to all who made submissions. I'm aware that it will do sweet fuck all, bit it's still important that our dissent go on the the record. (And it's certainly not the end of this fight, as least if Aleks has anything to do with it).

Today, on the other hand, I'm urging you to do something hedonistic and sinful. What are you doing on Friday night if you are not coming to the From Hell album launch?

For the measly sun of $8, you'll get:

Catwalk Syndrome (rock fury!)
Sons of Lee Marvin (rock fury!)
Devilrock Four (rock fury!)
FROM HELL (psytrance fury!)*
Psycho 78 (Melbourne's premier Misfits tribute act!)

So, what are you waiting for? That's a whole lotta great bands, and of course there's Benno channelling the spirit of Cliff Burton. Unfortunately, the proposed Satanic marriage of Ando From Hell and Roxy the From Hell mascot won't be occurring because we decided that a loud, smoky club full of drunken rock pigs was no place for a small and rather sweet dog. Any other time, Ando. I'm licenced and I am ready in the name of Euronymous, Fenriz and Baal.

Oh yeah, starts 8ish at the Green Room, Elizabeth Street.

* Not psytrance, more rock fury. Sorry to those who may have got their hopes up.

The Price of Rights...

2005-11-08T10:45:00.000+11:00

... is eternal vigilance.

Go here and make a submission to the Senate Inquiry into the Workplace Relations Amendment (WorkChoices) Bill 2005 .

You have until tomorrow. I doesn't have to be long, but I can't urge you enough to register your rejection of the the changes to the IR system proposed by WorkChoices.

If you believe that employees and employers have relative bargaining power, I want to come and work with you. Are you on a commune where you have a stake in the management of your enterprise, because I doubt that you work anywhere in Australia, or that your particular work environment is representative of anything other than your personal good fortune.

There's a reason that a body of law and regulation around child labour, the minimum wage, hours of work, workers' compensation, penalty rates and similar was developed. It's because left to their own devices, employers exploit employees - and this happens regardless of the colour of your collar.

*here ends the public service announcement*

Is 12" really enough ?????

2005-10-29T07:10:00.000+10:00

I'm in the market for a new computer, preferably a Mac.

Though I haven't used one in a while, I have very fond memories of my first computer, a Mac Classic which is incidentally, still residing at the top of my wardrobe waiting to be
converted into a MacQuarium (a cliche perhaps, but a cool cliche).

But now I'm lost. I'm confused. And while tchick has provided me with lots of sound advice re this conundrum, I'm putting it out to the greater nerd community. I need help (mostly psychological) deciding which one - ibook v powerbook.

I need something light and small that I can travel with, play around with graphics on, watch some bad DVDs whilst in bed, study (ugh..homework), allow me to open and use multiple programs without crashing (I hate you Windows...), will last me at least 5 years without being 'old', be able to withstand some impact (I walk into walls a lot and occasionally drop things), oh and last but not least, something that looks pretty. Hey - come on, I am a chick. I don't have a lot of cash, but the good doctor is willing to buy me one for my birthday...and for other services rendered.

So, any advice would be mondo appreciated - remember that I am a computer civilian and can only understand small words.

Do YOU feel like Chicken Tonight, like Chicken Tonight?

2005-10-27T09:08:00.000+10:00

This is a link to an article in which wunderchef Gordon Ramsay decries the poor culinary skills of today's Woman. He's making a new TV show featuring Britons in their home kitchens, and he's gobsmacked and a little bit disgusted to discover that some women can't cook, have no intention of learning or even trying to cook, and that they subsist on frozen meals, take-aways and the like.

I wonder whether this will cause a ruckus? Some sisters might be upset, interpreting Gordon’s Ramsay's disdain as implying that a woman’s place in the kitchen, goddammit!, regardless of whether she has been operating on brains or overseeing the m+a of multi-billion multinationals all day. Has he no idea exactly how busy the 21st century superwoman actually is?

Maybe modern raunch culture biatches don’t care about cooking, eating and nutrition as much as they care about attracting attention from men? Sounds like Gordon hasn’t noticed that cooking is old-skool, an antiquated life skill irrelevant in an age where Girls Go(ne) Wild! and enter wet t-shirt competitions because they are empowered and in charge of their own sexualization! Yay!

Am I supposed to hate Gordon Ramsay because he hates it when people can't and won't cook? I hate this too. It's just that my hatred doesn't distinguish between the genders. I love to cook, and more importantly, I love to eat, so I don’t care how snobbish I sound.

I was in the kitchen once when a woman of my acquaintance found it funny that I was making a tomato sauce from scratch, because (you’ll have to imagine the nasal bogan whine here) "tomato sauce already comes in jars at the supermarket."

Actually, tomato sauce doesn’t come in jars from the supermarket . What’s in those jars is an overly sugary one-dimensional substance vaguely reminiscent - but at the same time completely unlike - sugo.

We both learned something that day. She learned that tomato sauce doesn’t have to come from the supermarket. And I? Well, I discovered that spaghetti Napoli is made by dumping a jar of Dolmio on top of a plate of pasta over which you then grate Coon cheese. It’s apparently great because you don’t even have to warm the Dolmio up first!

Men can be equally disgusting. I would routinely throw up after a weekend at an ex’s place because - among many other crimes against my finely calibrated digestion - he laboured under the misapprehension that curry flavoured Continental Pasta & Sauce was a vegetable. I’m sorry, but how many things are wrong with this putative foodstuff? It's pre-parcooked pasta in a bag (wrong) with a dehydrated sauce (wrong), which you bring to life by adding margarine and low-fat milk (both of which are abominations; ersatz products, masquerading as proper, nourishing foods = so wrong). It’s ‘pasta’ in a 'creamy' 'curry' sauce (how many types of wrong is this?), which would usually be served alongside a thoroughly (and likely purposefully, the bastard) overcooked steak bought from the supermarket (don’t get me started on how wrong this is). And that’s it. Bon appetit, baby. I still feel bilious thinking about it seven years later.

It’s not funny or cute to not know how to cook. It’s very wasteful to buy ready meals and prepared products - with your hard earned cash, you’re purchasing lots of packaging and some tasteless and bland substitute for a real meal. Something that is kinda like dinner, but its relationship to actual food is like the relationship of nu-metal to actual music. Or a Matthew Reilly novel to a book worth reading. Or - given this is a food themed post - a Big Mac to a burger from Andrew's in Albert Park.

In case you didn’t know this already, convenience foods are full of chemicals necessary to keep them from spoiling, caking, separating and being rendered otherwise inedible, and also to colour and season them to resemble the actual food being parodied. It is unlikely that these additives are necessary for the overall health and wellbeing of humans.

And I don’t mind if you call me a communist, but I’m not that interested in buying food from multinational corporations whose interests are profits before purveying quality products. Who conduct cost/benefit analyses to determine whether there’s a buck to be made out of poisoning you. Have you read Fast Food Nation and Seeds of Deception? Maybe you should; you’d be much less inclined to unthinkingly purchase foods that are likely contaminated (literally) with (actual) shit, or contain genetically modified ingredients, or scarily enough both.

The challenges facing modern youth. Part II

2005-10-25T09:56:00.000+10:00

Two young boys talking on the Johnston street bus this morning as we trundled past the Nicholson Street Commission flats:

"do you have to be poor to live in commission houses? or can you just pay, because they're in a pretty good spot."

"Nah I think you have to be really poor to live in them"

"does being a uni student count? 'cause I can't afford to buy a coffee this morning"

I wonder how many of the people in those housing commission flats can afford to go to Uni?

A day at the colon clinic

2005-10-19T17:08:00.000+10:00

Since the stir created by Kissa’ blog on colonic irrigation – and want of a good maiden blog, I decided to try it out. Yes folks, I had a colonic irrigation session.

Upon arriving at the clinic, I had to fill out the mandatory form, detailing any ailments etc and lastly: what I would like to achieve out of this session. I didn’t think ‘for the sake of journalism’ would be appropriate.

Whilst filling out the form, a couple of recent ‘irrigated’ female patients settled their payments and organised their next sessions.
“Next week OK - can I buy another ten pack?”
Can it really be that good?

I was led into the room. The soothing ‘nurse’ instructed me how to lie down and position my bottom and straddle my legs between this large blue potty looking object on a bed. Protruding from this object was a long thin tube which she lubricated and offered to insert into my rectum.
Nah, I’ll be right said I, all tough-like.
She left the room and I spent the next couple of minutes trying to insert that goddam tube up my arse.
She returned and gave me the talk on how she will turn on the tap and that liquid would fill my abdomen. I was to push down and expel all the water and waste into the ‘potty’.

“Ok I’ll stay with you until you so make sure you do it correctly” (that is - pushing liquid out of my arse).

I tried to be cool and gave a lame push. Nothing happened.

“Ok to give you some incentive, if you don’t push all the water entering your bowel will overflow and you will need to vomit,” she said.

I pushed harder; OK this was starting to become really humiliating.

I did a tiny squeaky fart and felt something ooze between my legs.

“Push harder!”

Can I have some privacy please, I stammered.

She left.
I exploded then rang the bell.

She returned and congratulated me on my satisfactory ‘flow’ .
“And you can observe it in a mirror to your right.”

Fantastic - I spent the next 45 minutes cramping, pushing and observing litres of crap floating down a large pipe. After a while I got bored just when I thought I’d seen last week’s pizza, and picked up the ‘propaganda’ they had lying around.
Wow, Coffee enemas, how woudda thought?

After 45 minutes she returned with a cup of some liquid.
Great I’m thirsty.

Nope, that electrolyte substance was poured into a funnel and right back up my arse.
After holding and releasing for two minute I was able to de-tube, clean up and get out of there.
I felt dizzy and light-headed.

“That’s because you’re detoxing” they told me…I thought it was just cos I was dehydrated.
I have to return for a follow up session to loosen the harder wastes.

Hmmm…treatment for skin disorders, terminal diseases and digestive disorders, or plain old money making scam ? Jury’s still out. Let me know if I’m looking more glowing next time you see me.
Right now I’m off to eat some blended mush for the next 24 hours.

Watch the fur fly!

2005-10-12T09:27:00.000+10:00

So Anna Wintour has copped another pie because of her devotion to fur and to increasing the advertising revenues of her mag. A tofu pie no less; at least PETA are ideologically consistent.

Some people think this is great because she's not a very nice person. Apparently she's the Devil and wears a lot of Prada. And she's intolerant of fat people.

Anna Wintour works for probably the most powerful fashion magazine in the world. It's the flagship mag for an industry that hates fat people. An industry that generates bazillions of dollars by making people feel inadequate then enticing them to spend! spend! spend! on consumer perishables they don’t really need in order to feel better about themselves. Is anyone really surprised that she’s an unpleasant, underfed bitch?

This is no Wintour apologia. Besides, she's not even my favourite international fashionista. Anna Piaggi has it all over her in terms of signature style and personality. Likewise, Italian Vogue has it all over the US version. My Italian may be limited to ordering dinner and asking for the location of the toilet and the post office, but just look at the pictures and you'll be transported

Here's a picture of Anna P. so you can compare and contrast - I reckon it says it a lot about the cultural differences between the US and Italia:

I eat meat. I wear leather. I am a Leatherwoman who fetishes the stuff. I am unconvinced of the alleged health benefits of vegetarianism and especially of veganism. The human body is designed to eat meat. Please don't tell me that red meat festers undigested in your guts for up to seven years; it’s not true. While you're at it, do some research on the adverse health consequences of the overconsumption of unfermented soy products before you offer me a delicious meat-free alternative to chateaubriand.

I have also worn fur. And will likely do so in the future.

*waits for the horrified, self-righteous gasps of leather shoe-wearing 'vegetarians' who eat chicken and fish to die down*

I’ve long coveted my mum's old jackets, gilets and coats from the 60's, 70's and early 80s. She's too scared to wear fur now in case someone gets aggressive with her about it. We had a stand-up argument about my borrowing a mink jacket to wear to a wedding last year – I think she wanted to hire me an unnecessarily large posse of bodyguards, J-Lo style, to ensure no insane animal rights activist could attempt to convince me of my vainglory by slashing me up.

Maybe my mum is the type that believes you should avoid sitting in an aisle seat at the cinema, in case a white slave trader wanders by, jabs you full of heroin and shanghais you into a life of drug addiction and prostitution somewhere in the Third World? Basically, she loves a good worry about things that are incredibly unlikely to ever happen.

I hate the holier than thou pose of those who argue that fur is bad, but take their animal rights logic no further. I was once lectured about the horrors of fur by a remarkably stupid girl wearing leather shoes, chainstore 'fashions' and eating McDonalds. Clearly fur is wrong, but leather, meat obtained by intensive farming and processing techniques, sweat shop labour in the Third World, anti-competitive business practices and a poor human rights record are OK and quite the thing this season!

PETA might be mental, and I'm afraid that animal rights defer to scientific research in the name curing and treating HIV and other deadly and debilitating diseases and conditions, but I give them props for being ideologically consistent. I enjoyed gawking while the high and mighty Ms Wintour received the pastry-equivalent of pantsing as much as the next person with an overdeveloped sense of schadenfreude. My scorn and derision are reserved for those, like Little Miss Happy Meal, who would rather go naked than wear fur; their lack of furs representing the entire extent of their commitment to animal liberation.

nude poo

2005-10-12T09:08:00.000+10:00

ok who's been talking about nude poo on our blog? Someone found us by searching for nude poo last night. No less than TWO people found us by searching for boobs and willies, and less interestingly, 13 people have found us by searching for kleri tea.. The majority of search results have been related to dr. natura's infamous cleansing procedures, although no one has found us by specifically searching for death that was inside me ... yet.

I'm a retarded agoraphobic

2005-10-06T08:35:00.000+10:00

I was emailing a friend of mine yesterday who two seconds after telling me that he'd just read my blog, felt compelled to send me this:

I'm so over blogs and bloggers... Bloggers, I have come to realise, are only a rung above those dipshits who hang out in chat rooms wasting their lives, calling themselves stupid names like "Savannah" and "Princess" and typing shit like <Princess ggls> ...

Seriously dude, I know we've had some interestingish chats about the medium but as a topic for analysis it's over. And as a passtime? Who the fuck has the time? And of those who do, surely only those chronically lacking in imagination and creativity would choose to blog. I'm not saying that nothing blogged is worthy, nor am I saying that there aren't whole blogs that are worthy (these tend to morph into actual "websites"). I'm just saying that there are better avenues for expressing information of worth than blogs which tend to degenerate into crappy little online cliques of retarded agoraphobiacs talking about their pets.

</rant>

I was mildly alarmed (and amused) to discover that my friend feels that I am "chronically lacking in imagination" or that I'm a "retarded agoraphobic", but he assures that he is referring to all those other bloggers out there and not me. I guess I've never really thought for a second that this site couold be a serious place for analysis. As for having the time? what can I say? I have no life.

So why am I posting my friend's rant here?

Firstly I want to prove how endlessly creative and imaginative I am (not). Secondly I want to make sure that this anonymous friend of mine lives on the blogosphere that he hates so much and finally because it made me laugh. I am after all a very shallow (retarded agoraphobic) person.

Oh and finally, this isnt a picture of my cat, but for some absurd reason people keep finding our blog by searching for "the world's ugliest cat" so darn it, I thought I'd give them something to look at.

Tigers Eating Penguins

2005-10-05T15:04:00.000+10:00

From the Apple University Consortium's "Wheels for the Mind" magazine:

Many idealogues have argued for the merits of Linux as a desktop platform, but the UNiversity of Melbourne's Trinity College has been forced to look past ideology. After years of struggling to convince students of the merits of Debian Linux desktops, in July the college restocked its empty Linux computer labs with Apple iMacs that are proving both easier to manage, and far more populat with students.

(link to full article to follow)

And the picture of modesty too:

Problems getting it up?

2005-10-05T14:24:00.000+10:00

Saw this in the Age today, only in Australia.

"DIARY" wondered how long Bob Filliponi, the priapic Dandenong fencing contractor, would get away with using the name of the world's most famous impotence cure. The answer is 18 months. Having registered Viagra Fencing in February last year and getting it up ever since, Filliponi finally heard from Sydney eagles representing Viagra manufactuer Pfizer, warning him to "cease and desist" by Friday. "they reckon they would be happy if I remove the 'v' and the 'i' but theat dedfeats theh purpose," Filliponi said. "I've been getting calls from all over the world. THey don't want fences. Just want to know if we are real."

Rambling post commenced as a displacement activity to distract me from thinking about important but distressing things.

2005-10-04T09:29:00.001+10:00

I’ve noticed that the standard of post around here peaked a few weeks ago; Kissa's one about bowels - despite a lack of photographic evidence of her claims - being the apogee. At a S?ITYS general meeting informally convened over email (quorum = Kissa and myself), we lamented the fact that we had nothing sufficiently amusing but impersonal to blog about, and so S?ITYS would likely lay fallow for a bit, while we got our shit together.

This post won't really do anything to raise the tone and increase the level of traffic around here - in case you missed the title, I only started writing it as a displacement activity to distract myself from thinking about more important but distressing things. Well, maybe distressing is being melodramatic (Countess as Camille, anyone?), but some things that don’t really bear thinking about right now. And ‘important’ is an interesting choice of word, too… Clearly my work is not stimulating enough, or I don’t have enough of it. I reckon I just have an incredibly low boredom threshold, and my mind too easily wanders away from the human rights of others and onto the more salacious aspects of my personal life (and the personal lives of my friends, when they deign to share!).

I haven’t even got the same charge out of checking up on my favourite blogs today. Tho’ there’s a new tool on the block. I commented on a post he made about having a migraine for which he took aspirin (I know!), which was written in real time - as if he were blogging and suffering a migraine in the here and now. I'm a migraineuse, and there is nothing in this world more infuriating than some wanker complaining of a migraine when all they have is a bit of a headache. For future reference, if:

(a) the pain is relieved by aspirin; and

(b) you can perform other tasks like walking, talking and using a computer;

YOU DO NOT HAVE A MIGRAINE. YOU HAVE A HEADACHE AND ARE BEING A LITTLE SOOKY EMO-LISTENING BABY ABOUT A RELATIVELY INNOCUOUS AMOUNT OF PAIN. If you really did suffer a migraine, you would likely kill yourself if a headache makes you sob for your Mommy.

So I expressed surprise in his comments that he could in fact function while putatively suffering from a migraine, and that was not curled up in a ball in a darkened room somewhere trying not to stab himself in the head just for the modicum of blessed relief that would bring. And, as I community service, I suggested that aspirin was probably not the most effective medication to take, and mentioned that I had had some success with Imigran.

I promise I wasn’t being spiteful - I was genuinely trying to reach out and make contact with a fellow blogger. I received in response a bitchy - and dare I say defensive? - retort to the effect that he was in fact legitimately suffering a migraine, that the post was not written ‘entirely’ in real time and that he had taken something other than aspirin to relieve the pain, but didn’t want to confuse or alienate his international readers by namechecking a particular product that may have a different trade name in other parts of the world.

I’m not kidding. Is this guy a colossal tosspot for writing with an ‘international readership’ in mind or what?

PARTIAL RETRACTION: In the interests of probity, I revisited the blog in question and have discovered that my recollection of our brief exchange was clouded by the fact that I am delusional (and likely paranoid). For the record, the offending blogger was not bitchy or defensive in response to my admittedly belligerent comment. He was right, I was taking him too literally and I was in fact the defensive one, leaping to the conclusion that he was not truly migraneur because of my personal sensitivity on this issue.

However, he really did write of keeping his posts accessible for his international readers. And he has repeated this sentiment in other posts. I’ll apologise for everything else, but I still think that is really wanky.

Basically, mea culpa. My partial bad. Sorry for the vitriol, random dude who probably never stumble across my admission of regret.

What a pointless post. But it was a relatively effective as a displacement activity, for what it’s worth. You should try it some time.

I think I've fallen in love with Egon Schiele

2005-09-28T10:45:00.000+10:00

The post otherwise known as "Would you wear this on a first date?"

Reclining Woman with Green Stockings
1917
Gouache and black crayon on paper
11 5/8 x 18 1/8 in. (29.4 x 46 cm)

Female Nude
1910
Gouache, watercolor and black chalk with white highlighting
44.3 x 30.6 cm

Scornful Woman
1910
Gouache, watercolor and charcoal with white highlighting
45 x 31.4 cm

birthday wishes around the world....

2005-09-27T08:58:00.000+10:00

to our intrepid explorer and roving reporter Down & Out in Morocco and Spain:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

for yesterday...wishing you 30 big ones - one for each year of your life.

Enjoy the path to Santiago pilgrim - and in the words of Albius Tibullus:

To the Genius of a Friend on his Birthday

Dicamus bona verba: venit Natalis ad aras: quisquis ades, lingua, vir mulierque, fave.
Urantur pia tura focis, urantus odores tener e terra divite mittit Arabs. Ipse suos Clenius adsit visurus honores, cui decorent sanctas mollia serta comas. Illius puro destillent tempora nardo, atque satur libo sit madeatque mero, adnuat et, Cornute, tibi, quodcumque rogabis.

Speak no ill words today, good men and women, as we honour our friend on his birthday. Burn frankincense, burn fragrant herbs from lands at the very ends of the earth, even those sent from Arabia. His own spirit comes to receive his honours, a holy wreath to crown his soft crown of hair. This pure nard distilled for his temples and, sated on wine and honey cakes, he gives his assent. And to you, Cornutus, may everything you wish for be granted. II.ii.1-9

Happy Birthday

So, what are you doing this Friday night?

2005-09-22T13:14:00.000+10:00

Wondering what to do on Grand Final Eve? I strongly urge you to see:

The Blacklist's first show back from their Eurobloke Tour was insane, not least because Benno From Hell filled in on bass. I think I'm a little bit in love with him. Tragic fangirl or completely understandable? I'm too old for crushes of this type, and fear that I will eventually turn into a cougar.

Anyway, they're going to destroy the Tote on Friday night. And you should be there.

men of SAGE calendar

2005-09-20T16:24:00.000+10:00

is now available here in two versions: A Wall / Flip Version - Suitable for single sided printing and a desk version, suitable for duplex printing.

Thanks Nick for hosting it.

Enjoy the read.

how do people find us?

2005-09-19T11:27:00.000+10:00

Someone just found this blog by google searching "Cock of Satan".

I'm so impressed.

It's a boy!

2005-09-19T09:57:00.000+10:00

Congratulations Nick and Alina.

17 hour labour, all are happy and well.

"Are YOU clean inside ?" aka the blog about bog

2005-09-17T08:52:00.000+10:00

I admit it. I've been long fascinated by the idea of colonic irrigations. The idea of being able to wash out your insides and start again fresh, unmarred by the toy cars you swallowed as a child, or the chewing gum that accidentally went the wrong way and never emerged is tempting, albeit a little scary.

And now, thanks be to god, there is a miracle product on the market, Dr Natura's COLONIX Internal Cleasing Program, where testimonials to its success include quotes as notable as "We are having awesome adventures in the bathroom" and, "the death that existed inside of me".

There are three steps to this fabulous product (as taken from the site) -

1) the Colonix Intestinal Cleanser fibre supplement which cleanses the colon of accumulated toxic build-up and prevents the formation of new build-up through the use of herbal dietary fibre,

2) Paranil Anti-Parasite Support which helps to eliminate harmful parasites, including intestinal worms and their eggs from the colon and other parts of the body, and

3) Kleri Tea for Regularity and Detoxification which helps to restore normal bowel function and promotes regularity.

Judging by the thousands of testimonials on the site, there are a lot of people out there who are no longer constipated, bloated or riddled with worms thanks, to Dr Natura (who I'm sure is a qualified MD).

But wait....there's more. If you weren't satisfied by the photos of the smiley, bright people who festoon this site, there is a Picture Gallery that will no doubt prove beyond a reasonable doubt that this products not just works, it really really works.

Yes that's right folks, someone has taken photos of their poos, and has decided to show them to the world. Please be warned that what you are about to see may cause some distress and morbid fascination. Don't say that I didn't warn you....but do click on the link and see the amazing death that existed inside of them. I wanted to post the image of the bog on the blog, but decided that opening this blog may never be the same again.

As you can see, this was the death that existed inside of him and were this to be inside me, I'm pretty sure that I would want it out quick-smart as well. What amazes me is that he wrote a journal that describes his journey through detox, a fascinating study in itself. And from the artistic way he draped his faeces across the back of the toilet in order to capture it in the best possible light, he was a budding Picasso. I may have been interested in colonics before...but now I'm not so sure.

Consider the story of Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt who fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berried, figs and prunes. The plugged-up pachyderm finally let fly. Standing next to his elephant, Mr. Riesfeldt suffocated under 200 pounds of elephant manure. Investigators say Riesfeldt, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an enema when the beast unloaded on him.

"The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of him," said flabbergasted police detective Erik Dern. With no one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents.

Now that is some poo.

Am I Demon?

2005-09-15T17:54:00.000+10:00

There’s crazy shit all over the Internet because there are some very bored and underemployed nerd-types who are quite savvy about database construction. Some things, like the Boob Name Generator in tchick’s last post, are hilarious; others are just silly and irrelevant to my life, because not being a nerdy fan of Tolkien, I'm not really interested in a hobbit name.

I had lots of fun with this Black Metal Band Name Generator a couple of days ago. Bow down before the True Black Metal Power of Sinful Goat and Fluffy Cannibal, mere human scum! (Warning: will likely only amuse those familiar with the genre).

And then I stumbled across a test designed to work out how evil you are, and to give you a heads up as to which of Dante’s picaresque levels of Hell you will be damned.

I have been consigned to Level 6, the City of Dis. As a Heretic, I am apparently an Extreme sort of sinner.

Doing this test made me think that I am often quite reckless about the status of my immortal soul. Lately, I have committed various sins like:

Owning this

(No. 577 of a Very Evil and Limited Run of 666, if you please!)

Talking about:

Listening to:

I read my horoscope, and the horoscopes of others (thou shalt not covet they neighbour’s sign, goddammit!)

I had impure thoughts about

and

and about starting a Master Race of Redheads with

I spent too much money on:

while people around the world starved and didn't have the vote.

I ate lots of

and too many

and so much

that I had to have a lie down because it was difficult to breathe. This was also while other people starved etc.

I wished painful deaths upon this man and his followers :

This is Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, Kansas. The WBC are better known as the fine and upstanding, casting-no-stones and judging-not-lest-they-be-judged folks at godhatefags.com (no linkage for them!). Did you know that Hurricane Katrina was God's Judgment on the people of New Orleans for being tolerant of homosexuality? Neither did I.

I fantasised about the imminent demise of loads more dickwads, but can't be bothered finding images of everyone that fills my heart with the blackest of hate.

And while I didn't smite him down, I harboured most uncharitable thoughts about:

Way to distract people from real issues like the sale of Telstra, Mark. Please stop biting the hand that fed you so well; as far as I can tell, you have never had a job outside the ALP machine. Especially be more respectful of Gough Whitlam, a leader of principle and vision, quite unlike yourself and your unquestiong commitment to the merits of the Blairite Third Way (clue: there are no merits. It's neo-con economic policy gussied up in the language of Maya Angelou).

oh, and I left the house dressed like this:

what are your boobs called?

2005-09-15T10:49:00.000+10:00

Mine are called Bambi and Thumper.

Get your own Boobie Names

tchick has seen the light

2005-09-14T09:14:00.000+10:00

Yesterday I frightened a friend of mine by mis-typing the address of this blog and sending him off to tchick.blogpsot.com. My friend dryly commented that if this was indeed my blog then he had been unaware that I was a full-on committed Christian. For those of you that know me, I invite you to take a look at the site and try to imagine a world in which I would be responsible for it.

I took a few minutes to check it out this morning and was rather alarmed to discover that the end is nigh. The site boasts an easy to understand, user frienldy non profit site - nothing for sale. But I was laughing as I scrolled down the pageand next to the heading "The Soon coming Climax" is a banner ad for "Mate One Intimate Dating"

The Blog Next Door

2005-09-12T13:00:00.000+10:00

More observant bloggers and nerd-types have probably noticed the 'next blog' function in the top right-hand corner of the screen. At least I hope it's the right side... I am notoriously bad at distinguishing between right and left - don't ever let me navigate while you drive if you want to get to your destination on time and/or not hate me for the rest of your life.

So I clicked 'next blog' to see who our neighbours in the 'sphere are. In real life, I am not a particularly neighbourly person. I mean, I'm not the kind of neighbour that Today Tonight devotes segments to, and I don't have too many (indeed, I don't have any) cats, but I've never really cultivated my neighbours. To be honest, in my last place, I actively wished a protracted, painful death on the hippy who lived upstairs and her idiot child, but they truly deserved my wrath. In my darkest moments, I was tempted to shop her to Child Protective Services in the hope that they would remove her screaming brat to a place far, far away from me. But that would have been mean and most likely bad karma, though I was curious about how she would explain away her spawn's propensity to scream from 2.ooam 'til dawn every morning. But I didn't, partly because of the effort involved (ringing a toll-free number and leaving an anonymous tip-off seemed too fearsome a strain) and partly because I moved away. It's now some other poor tenant's problem.

Now I am very lucky to only have one neighbour, a very old lady from Mittel Europ who is always at home. She is incredibly - some would say unnervingly - quiet, and I get the occasional pang of guilt when I crank up Slayer or something else that I assume old ears would find obnoxious.*

Anyway, I don't have a long history of neighbourliness. But I was curious about the Blog Next Door. What would it be like? Where would it be from? I have my favourite blogs (the subject of a future post) - would 'Next Blog' belong to that esteemed company or would it just be blah like most blogs? Also, is 'Next Blog' always the same blog? Somebody knowledgable about the inner workings of blogspot.com, answer me!

To save you clicking on the next blog function yourself, S?ITYS's neighbour is Little Jonathan's Blog. Little Jonathan is 9 months old, and boy! does his Mommy like to take his photo and post them online along with charming captions about what she assumes is going on in Little Jonathan's head. Which, considering (a) Little Jonathan isn't even a year old and (b) Little Jonathan's Mommy is about as inspired and original as a Hallmark card, isn't much. For example:

This is the way I like to view the world right now. It's much more interesting from an upside-down perspective.

I feel for Little Jonathan on his 18th and/or 21st birthdays. American children have committed mass murder in the schoolyard for less.

* Please note: I only ever play loud music between the reasonable and lawful hours of 10am-10pm.

the hotel concierge lost my luggage

2005-09-10T22:52:00.000+10:00

I'm back in Melbourne now, and I am now the proud owner of only the clothes I am wearing on my back. So all you kids who give me shtick for wearing that spotty skirt too much, you're about to see a WHOLE LOT MORE of it. Suppose it could be worse, I could be locked up in a dark dank rat infested morroccan prison ... at least I have my freedom :P

I've had a glorious week in a five star hotel looking out over the Indian Ocean, broken up by worrying about our foreign correspondent, talking to sysadmins about OS X, lots o drinking and smoking (thanks pete) and a sodden rainsoaked foray into Fremantle.

The highlight of the trip was definitely the conference dinner at the Aquarium of Western Australia. I was surprised at how fun it is to wander around a an Aquarium at night tanked up on free booze and surrounded by IT nerds. Nick has posted some really good pics of the night on his blog as well as a very good running comentary, although i noticed he's taken down the pics of jelly fish and he hasn't mentioned redecorating my bathroom.

I'm trying to be very zen about losing every piece of clothing that I love, but for now I'm consoling myself with a very expensive bottle of scotch and am wondering what I might wear to work on Monday. It's been suggested by more than one person I know that I wear glad wrap and silver foil, so for all of you readers in Melbourne - pop up to my place of work on monday for some light entertainment.

I have some serious shopping to do in the morning and when I get back I'm going to be finishing off my "Men of SAGE" calendar. I'm currently trying to find some appropriate dancing girls for the background of February, so WATCH THIS SPACE.

over and out

xxtchick

what do nerds do at conferences

2005-09-09T15:39:00.000+10:00

anyone up for some light entertainment?

I'm laughing so hard I think I've injured myself, the nerdfest that I'm at is just a little less geeky than this

debating whether to post some photos of it.

easy tigers, joke

2005-09-08T20:58:00.000+10:00

ok, ... let the abuse rollllll

Normal Programming will Recommence Soon

2005-09-08T10:01:00.000+10:00

The team at S?ITYS are on a short hiatus while we wait for news from Morocco.

We assure all of our loyal readers that this break is temporary. We'll be back as soon as we get news from Morocco.

Basically, we want to know what the fuck is going on in Morocco. Randomweirdo and D&OILP - or friends and associates of same - please contact home and allay all our concerns and fears.*

* Be warned: if this is meant to be a joke, it's spectacularly unfunny.

oops it happened again

2005-09-02T06:50:00.000+10:00

Please tell me randomweirdo is joking

What are YOU doing tonight?

2005-09-01T09:36:00.000+10:00

I think you should all come to this.

From Hell just signed to Warthog and they're pretty excited. I know it's a school night 'n' all, but boy do they rock! Sons of Lee Marvin aren't bad either. I can't vouch for My Left Boot yet, but I've heard good things.

Plus you just gotta see Benno From Hell, bass genius and the closest thing to Cliff Burton that those of us who never saw a pre-bus crash Metallica will ever know.*

* Unfortunately I couldn't find a photo of Benno - but trust me on this, 'kay?

the challenges facing modern youth

2005-08-31T11:40:00.000+10:00

This is a conversation I heard whilst waiting to cross the road into Uni this morning. It was between two girls, no more than 19-20 with percelain skin and immaculate hair.

"So like that's it for me, I'm just not gonna drive my car any more 'cause petrol's gonna be a dollar thirty."

"Oh my god how come?"

"'Cause of what happened in America"

"What happened in America?"

"well only like a massive tornado ripped through half the country and like totally flattened it. Thousands of people are dead, millions of people are homeless."

"Oh my god when did that happen?"

"Yesterday"

"Shit. What's it got to do with petrol though?"

"Dunno, suppose that's where we get petrol from."

I wonder what they're studying? I was really enjoying them and wanted to hear more but I couldn't follow them without feeling like a creepy stalker. Still giggling about it now.

internet pixies

2005-08-30T21:57:00.000+10:00

got offended at the image quality from countess' last post and had to fix it :P

Holier Than Thou

2005-08-30T13:22:00.000+10:00

I have been meaning to buy a copy of this record for ages:

(That's an image of Metallica's eponymous album, often (and obviously!) called the 'Black' album by fans because of it's completely - except for the coiled snake in the lefthand corner - black cover)

and today I ventured down Brunswick Street on my lunch break to secure my very own copy. I was more excited than a normal person should be, to be honest, but I have just discovered Metallica. I didn't really like them in their Black-and-pre-Black heyday, but I fucking love them now.

Those readers familar with Brunswick Street will know what store I bought the record from when I say that I checked Sister Ray first, which strangely had no Metallica discs at all. So I hiked in the opposite direction to this other place, where I ultimately found it.

I don't particularly want to name and shame this store, because independent outlets should be supported by us all in the interests of cultural and commercial diversity. However, I was initially chagrined and then enraged by the staff's reaction to my musical taste. They sniggered and rolled their eyes at my choice, saying 'what this? Oh Met-al-li-ca' the same way one might say 'what's this? oh, dog vomit.'

Humph. Did I breeze into their store and complain about what they were playing and the band tees they were wearing? 'Ugh. Sufjan Stevens is soooo tedious and pretentious' or 'Fuck, I would rather kill myself than listen to Laura/Deloris/some other indie band named after a girl.' Maybe their tastes are so refined from working in the *ahem* music industry that the Black album is unforgivably populist, and therefore unworthy of notice? I'm not so ignorant of Metallica's entire oeuvre that I'd suggest that Black is their finest hour; it's a bloated riffy colossus, typically overproduced by Bob Rock. But I could have done without the supercilious 'tude and tut-tutting about my poor artistic judgment, reminiscent of the manner in which old codgers carp on about 'kids today...'. The record store dudes were most likely younger than me, goddammit, and their listening regime of indie music made them arrogant and judgmental. And yet metal gets blamed for anti-social behaviour. Sheesh.

Worship Satan with your cock out...

2005-08-24T12:38:00.000+10:00

Not entirely safe for work, kids, but I think I am in love...

ALL HAIL THE PRESUMABLY UNINTENTIONALLY EXPOSED BALLS OF HOST, SINGER WITH TRUE NORWEGIAN BLACK METALLERS TAAKE!

Do normal people dream of espionage and Slayer?

2005-08-22T14:21:00.000+10:00

A friend of mine just described a vaguely unsettling dream she'd had recently. And while many of you will roll your eyes thinking that 'there's nothing more tedious than hearing about other people's dreams,' you are dead wrong. One of my favourite pastimes is practicing psychology without a licence, and so taking my lead from Sigmund Freud, who didn't have one either, what easier place to start than with The Interpretation of Dreams?

Anyway, her dream was unsettling because it was so realistic - the things dreamt of could conceivably happen in waking life. And there was a particularly disturbing, not-quite-right twist making the whole thing a bit skin-crawly. Her dream-self was engaged in behaviour that her awake-self would never countenance. Plus she should have slapped that aggressive-aggressive bitch down when the threats were made! This only makes sense if you know the context of this dream, and client-therapist privilege prevents me from divulging more, even pseudonymously.

The short version of the story is that Ms X had a dream that was a simultaneously a reminder and part of the process of putting certain things to rest. Basically, her unconscious was burying a vampire or similarly ghoulish and draining entity at a crossroads with a stake through it's heart so it may never rise again.

I had a dream that I went to see Slayer, which is an occurrence that could likely happen IRL, but not soon enough for my liking. Anyway, for some reason they were playing the Hi-Fi Bar in Melbourne - which is kinda strange, considering that they'd easily sell out a bigger space. And it was also strange that the stage looked like a magic carpet bazaar - you know, like one of those Persian rug emporia that are constantly having going out of business sales. It was certainly uncool for proscenium curtains (which I doubt actually exist on the Hi-Fi stage) to keep sweeping closed, obscuring my view of the band. Thinking back now, it was more than odd that they didn't rock one tiny bit. But the truly unnerving part that made me shiver upon waking was that my dream-self was not unduly concerned by the fact that Slayer were not blowing my mind.

This is quite preposterous and I know that there would be no dearth of pure metal fury up our collective ass should Slayer ever tour here again. I woke up feeling all strange and out of sorts, and am now coping with the echo of that feeling by reliving it in this post.

Was it cheese before bedtime? What do Slayer represent to me? Why am I so infuriated by the the pictures of Buffy and 'gang' that clog up my screen when searching for images of Slayer? I realise that we have discussed dreams and dreams in the context of cheese consumption close to retiring on S?ITYS , but that was tchick's post and dream about prawns and this is mine about Slayer.

news from duntroon

2005-08-21T16:09:00.000+10:00

I just had a wonderful conversation with our Defence Force correspondent who is five weeks into his boy's own adventure at RMC. Apparently after 5 weeks of crawling through mud, under barbed wire, and through water pits covereed in ice at 6 in the morning, the staff cadets get an afternoon of R&R to call home, drink instant coffee and ponder what the hell they've got themselves into.

My security clearance allows me to tell you that Officer Cadet M. has learned to sleep with his eyes open, that you can still hear the chink of brass cartridges hitting the ground when you're firing a machine gun with ear muffs on and that you should never trust a sargent who tells you you can sleep in until 7am.

OCM has asked me to let everyone know that he's alive and well, and it's all "a bit of a lark". He will be graduating towards the end of September (I think), so if anyone is up for a road trip, we can go see him "parade around in silly unifroms".

I'm looking forward to hearing all his anecdotes, including more information on a ten hour caving session that cadets had to abseil into. Apparently you wouldnt want to be claustrophobic - it took some of the boys up to half an hour to contort themselves through the tighter apertures in this cave. You can count me out, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I have to get on a PLANE to get to Perth.

I'm going to Perth

2005-08-21T11:14:00.000+10:00

How much do we love the AUC?
I'm nereding on at SAGE again this year
over and out from the shortest post ever.

a face only a mother could love....

2005-08-19T15:35:00.000+10:00

You know, while I'm not a maniac cat lover who "wovves her little cute baby catty-watty", I find it somewhat disturbing that cats evoke such a strong negative reaction in some people...that I find downright scary and offensive. Like today, I was editing a photo of my cat (yes, during work hours and as you do) to send to one of my nearest and dearests, which provoked the strong reaction of "Oh my god that's scary" from someone from the cubicle over from mine. Which isn't to say that my cat isn't scary looking, and as some people call him, "ugly and ill-tempered", but hey, that's my ugly and ill-tempered that you're talking about.

I should have turned around and told him that his mother was fat and stupid.

But I didn't. The point is that it bothers me somewhat that people feel that they can insult someone's loved and cherished pet as if its "funny" and a "harmless" joke. People have taken to arms over less is what I say.

And I really don't think that its necessary to have to say that you'd like to use my cat (or any cat) as a football - as the man says - "if you don't like them, leave them alone."

Images have been edited to protect the innocent

I blog, therefore...

2005-08-19T12:05:00.000+10:00

I am bored. And usually at work. Madly procrastinating.

Which speaks volumes for the esteem in which I hold this medium. It serves a purpose, which is to distract me from things that are more important. Blogging is like eating fast food for me, in the sense that it fills a gap rather than ultimately satiating. That's a crappy analogy, but most of the time I feel like a bit of a blogging fraud - I don't talk about my 'deepest' feelings, my relationships, or any mental traumas suffered. I don't post photos, meet fellow bloggers IRL (aside of those I already know, of course) and I don't post on the blogs of others. I guess the one blogging 'convention' I do have down is that I use 'I' a lot

Anyway, I'm bored a fair bit but I don't spend every moment of that time blogging. About how bored I am. Which is dull and self-indulgent and the essence of blogging... anyway, the point of this all is that when I am bored but not bored enough to blog, I am often doing something else fairly pointless on the 'net.

For the most inane chat ever, I visit the forums at vogue.com.au. How many fake designer handbags do you have? Stand up vs lie down solariums. This model is ugly/that model is stunning. I am dumber for just having read this stuff.

I sometimes correspond with people I know and see on a regular or semi-regular basis here, where we talk about things like the best songs to listen to on Black Friday, who would win in a fight between Glenn Danzig and Trent Reznor, and have roll calls for various gigs and events. It's not really any more substantial than voguechat, but please, I don't tan and I don't have any designer fakes. And I love Danzig.

Because I'm not a complete dimwit, I also read international papers online, and regularly check out various news and opinion sites. Like Christopher Hitchens, who I admired so much once and am now somewhat confused by. Hence my keeping an eye on him.

But my secret (well, not any more!) passion is checking out other blogs. Should I just kill myself now because my life has been reduced to this? I could (and have) spent hours of precious work time reading about other people's sexual excesses/frustrations, looking at pictures of their pets wearing clothes, or marvelling at the depth and power of their political analyses (John Howard is a cunt-rag! Amanda Vanstone is fat! These are slogans and policies that must be adopted by the ALP post-haste! *pauses to ring relevant Policy Committees*).

As an aside, while exploring the blogosphere I discovered that there are people (well, a person at least) who felt as saddened and ripped off by Tim losing to the Logans on Big Brother 5 as he/she did when the Howard Government was re-elected last year. And no, I am not making this up to support my thesis that other bloggers are inane to the point of idiocy - as much as I wish I was.

Wanna know where to go for a laugh, and where to go to waste precious minutes of your life that you'll never get back? Call me.

Is there anything beer can't fix?

2005-08-16T16:43:00.000+10:00

I'm stuck at home today. With the flu from hell. I feel like I've been hit by a train. So I figure now is a good a time as any to get the house phone fixed. The phone hasnt worked properly since anonymous the housemate flooded half the house (ducking for cover).

Now the Optus tech is really friendly on the mobile; "Oh, you sound really sick" he says, "I've just had the flu, yeah, two weeks I had to take off, went into my lungs, like pneumonia it was, whole family had it, doesnt seem to matter how young or fit you are these days, it just really knocks you about, you'll proboably end up in hospital like aunty kath did".

Thanks mate.

LUCKILY it turns out that it isnt an internal fault, so I don't have to pay for it. "What exactly is the problem?" I ask languishing on my death bed three hours later when they call me back. Turns out it's just a little bit of water damage .... must have been something to do with the wild weather we've been having lately....

So the phone is under control, but my flu is getting worse by the minute. I need drugs, I need to get out of the house, I need food and tissues, and orange juice and supplies. So I jump in the trusty old 'rolla and off to the chemist. Simple mission. BUT NO, Tchick has a head full of cotton wool and obviously no depth perception or in fact any concept whatsoever of three dimensional space.

Et volia, after 15 years of a spotless driving record, I've finally done it.

That's right kids, I'VE PRANGED THE CAR.

Mangled the front left panel. Squashed in so badly it's preventing the tyre from moving. So with a bit of determination, a club lock and large rock, I can bend the panel away from the wheel enough for me to get the car down to the smash repairs place round the corner where I'm met by a short round jolly man with a pink nose, blue overalls and cheeky eyes. A cursory glance over the car and "new bumper bar, forward left panel, lights set, ra ra ra, you're looking at around a thousand dollars"

Often silence is the best defence in these situations, and after only 20 seconds of watching me blink incredulously he's offered me an alternative. "of course if you run down and grab us a slab I could knock some shape into it for you."

Now you're talking.

I wish I had a digital camera to take a photo of the results,because it's fucking hilarious - Kissa, I might ask if I can borrow yours..

I got the job!

2005-08-15T11:15:00.000+10:00

Back on the air

2005-08-13T16:13:00.000+10:00

So it's been a while since I've been around in blogland. been keeping an eye on it from afar, but it's been so hectic in tchickland i've barely had a second to scratch myself.

Good to see blogheadfuckroll back up, brilliant rant about VSU, but you really should have left your last rant up, there are a few people around these parts who I'm sure would have had something to say about that :P

There was an article in the Weekend Australian today (which I can't find online) about a fundamentalist Christian Shortwave radio station intent on spreading the word in Far North Western Kununurra. Local residents are campaigning to have it shut down for fear that it may make them terrorist targets. What caught my eye was not the exploration of australian nationalism and xenophobia (is that really surprising?) but this little gem:

"HCJB grew out of the ham radio movement, which was at its height in the 1920s and '30s. The invention of wireless was akin to the invention of the Internet - an amazing technological breakthrough that overcame the limits distance placed on the human voice. Anyone with a shortwave transmitter powerful enough could be heard in every corner of the world. Today's Internet bloggers, offering their voices and opinions to anyone who clicks on are the direct descendents of these ham radio nuts"

I'm having a little trouble drawing this comparison myself.

When I was about five years old I was given a pink transistor radio. It had three channels, FM, AM and SW (Shortwave). At night I would lie awake late, flicking through Shortwave channels eavesdropping on everything from banal weather reports to the illicit affairs of local farmers. It was better than soap operas. Husbands and wives filling each other in on the events of the day, SES workers mopping up after minor disasters, kids chatting to each other about their lives.

Ok sure I do the modern equivalent of that from time to time - that is i browse randomly through people's blogs. I once spent an entire afternoon enthralled by an incomprehensively vapid twenty year old american chick's blog. She had just bought a pair of sandals at the mall with her mother that morning and couldnt decide whether to wear the pink or the black dress to the party that night. (She was also trying to convice her boyfriend that just because she sent him a catalougue of diamond rings, she didnt really expect him to propose - but I digress).

Anyway, It's late in the day and I've had a cunt of a week, so I'm having trouble explaining why this comparison doesnt sit well with me so well. I guess what I'm getting at is just because the internet makes it easy for the average joe blow to write down their streams of consciousness for all to see, doesn't necessarily mean they're offering "voices and opinions", nor does it mean that anyone is actually listening. Operating on the idea that "i blog, therefore I'm interesting" is not enough.

I simply don't think the advent of blogging can be seen as a "amazing technological breakthrough that overcame the limits distance placed on the human voice" Just because you're in the public sphere, doesnt mean you're interesting. Take Big Brother for instance.

So before I start ranting on and drawing comparisons between blogs, Big Brother and Foucault's panopticon or Lyotard's "death of meta-narratives", I've decided I need to get away from my computer and get a life. So guess what I'll be doing for the rest of the weekend ....

only kidding ...

What's a girl to do?

2005-08-09T11:34:00.000+10:00

My friend is in a bit of a bind.

And no, it's not me. I'm not lurking behind the friend chimera because this is not the kind of dilemma that gives me pause for thought.

Anyway, my friend would really like to go and see:

but has already made other arrangements, the kind that can't be blown off. This is the Drones' last gig for ages, but plans for that night have even been diarised, which is evidence of their immutability.

Hmmm, this is a toughie. On one hand, there's the karmic aspect that can only be satisfied in the positive by honouring the original commitment; but there's an anarchic thrill to be had by giving into impulse and just doing whatever you want, when you want it - circumstances and friendships be damned!

I have another friend who is going to see this, uh, 'collective':

There's been no wailing and ululating at the threat of missing this, as we (okay, me) madly invent 'prior' engagements in order to avoid it.*

* yes, I am aware that taste in music is very personal , that many people love the dub, that rock'n'roll doesn't satisfy everyone's souls yada yada yada. To which I say: NO SLEEP 'TIL VODAFONE!

the quiet observer...

2005-08-06T12:32:00.000+10:00

there's a site that I really like at the moment that involves a guy taking photos every day at a subway station in the US somewhere. What I like about it is the fact that he quietly observes the people in every day situations, and captures their thoughts, fears and private moments which he then publishes on his site.

Its not so much the creepy "take photos of strangers and then publish on the internet" thing that I like so much but the fact that even halfway around the world and back again, it shows the people all over have the same kind of lives and do the same kinds of things - sleep, play, eat, love....i like that it demonstrates a solidarity and a uniformity to human behaviour which cannot be classed by colour, race, creed or nationality. I mean, if you didn't know that this was in the US, it could be in London, Paris, downtown Melbourne...or maybe not.

I'm also intrigued by whether or not these people know they are being photographed and if they know that they are on the web....I know that I'd feel pretty invaded if I saw a photo of myself on the web that was taken without permission and then launched in the world wide web. Which reminds me of a story that I heard recently of this image...

This photo is apparently the Pulitzer Prize winning image taken in 1994 during the Sudan famine. The image depicts an infant crawling towards a UN camp located a kilometre away while a vulture is watching him intently.

The story goes is that no one knows what happened to the child, including the photographer who took the image, Kevin Carter who left the place as soon as the photo was taken.

Three months later, he was so depressed he committed suicide.

What concerns me isn't whether the story is true or not - I guess its the ethical dilemna of where journalism begins and humanity ends. What is the responsibility of the "war correspondent / political journo / news reader" ? Is it to report facts and take photos from an objective and remote perspective or is it to the human touch so that we feel more connected with the world at large ?

Could this child now be alive if the photographer had taken this child to the food camp instead of taking a photograph ? And why isn't this considered to be "snuff" if the end result is death when it might have been prevented ?

Have we gotten so cold and unfeeling ? and if so - when ?

We laugh at the joke that asks us to decide between colour fim vs black and white when watching George W Bush cascading down a river....but really, how many of us would jump in and save him ?

I guess the question is - where does the line between helping out and intruding on someone's privacy begin ?

baby don't fear the reaper

2005-08-04T21:58:00.000+10:00

I'm having a rock and roll moment and I just had to share.

Down and Out is partying on in london

Countess is rocking on at QOTSA (and about to see the english version of Carmen)

randomweirdo is kicking people out after his housewarming .

I bought this album for five dollars at an op shop today and i'm cranking it through the stereo at annoy the neighbours volume.

Check those funky hairstyles

rock on Blue Oyster Cult

no more gorgonzola before bed

2005-08-03T23:32:00.000+10:00

i had an apocolyptic dream that aliens had made contact with earth. They had taken the form of giant majestical prawns hovering menacingly in the night sky.

Countess thinks i'm mentally unbalanced.

I say takes one to know one.

Yucking it Up

2005-08-03T17:38:00.000+10:00

I was bored and greedily speculating on what I might eat for dinner tonight, when I had the genius idea of searching for recipes on the ‘net. It’s not like I don’t have enough cookbooks, magazines about cooking, and bits of scrap paper on which I’ve scribbled down someone’s dying grandmother’s recipe for houloumopsomi cluttering up my house. Thing is today, Lucullus wasn’t looking to dine with Gordon Ramsay or Joel Robouchon – I wanted to find food that I could feel superior about; to point my finger and be sniffy about other people’s use of stock cubes, Hamburger Helper and French onion soup mix.

I am a horrible person, I know. But I wanted to feel all (self) righteous about ill prepared food lacking taste and nutritional value. Did I mention that I was bored and at work already?

At the site of an – who woulda thunk it? – American food (and who knows, possibly armaments and other evil stuff) conglomerate, I found some recipes that made me simultaneously giggle and feel more highly evolved than the Cro-Mags chowing down on this sort of rubbish.

Welcome to http://www.kraftfoods.com, where recipes featuring KraftSingles, that cheesy spread in a jar, and also that cheese in a box that doesn’t have to be refrigerated at least until you open it, are lauded.

According to Kraft, all you need to make 10 different ‘appetizing’ dipz are a packet of Philadelphia cream cheese and a jar of Miracle Whip mayonnaise, which you apparently spread on a plate and the top with combinations of salsa or spaghetti sauce and layers of Mexican, Greek or Italian (depending on the cuisine that you have aboslutely no respect for) ‘style’ cheese.

Interestingly, it doesn’t look anywhere near as disgusting as it sounds:

And paydirt! A recipe starring the cheese in a box I talked about earlier, which I assume is Velveeta® Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product. Is it possible that Velveeta bares so little resemblance to actual cheese that Kraft are not allowed to market it as such because that would be misleading and deceptive? World, get your crackers ready for VELVEETA® Hot 'N Cheesy Crab Dip!:

I think that it looks very much like a bowl of sick. Don't forget that it's served hot, peoples.

And for something that could be kitsch if it wasn’t so appallingly jingoistic, try the ‘Wave Your Flag mould’ for dessert. If only there were pictures… Did you know that you can buy jelly moulds in the shape of the American flag? Yes, my mind is boggling too. Wave Your Flag is basically jelly set in a flag-shaped mould – blue jelly for the bits with the stars, red jelly in the stripey part and the white piped on in the US equivalent of Dairy Whip. Tasty and patriotic! or utterly disgusting in all aspects!, depending on your political and culinary views.

I need some Mylanta now.

try harder...

2005-08-03T13:12:00.000+10:00

for those who have time....and nothing to do.....try this

the laughs just never end..the london bomber conspiracy

2005-08-03T13:06:00.000+10:00

Can't kill 'em, can't chop 'em up into little pieces and leave the bits in a locker at Flinders Street station

2005-08-02T17:15:00.000+10:00

What do you do when someone shits you completely?

I was in a murderous rage about five minutes ago. I've cocked it down a couple of notches to just fuming. Hopefully, another five minutes will pass and I'll be indifferent.

So, I did end up getting a QOTSA ticket

2005-08-01T12:57:00.000+10:00

Due to 'popular' demand, I was going to review the show for y'all, but reading DAOILP's Euro scene guide has kinda put me off. Plus, it was a week ago, and I've forgotten quite a lot about it, which probably says everything about the show - except:

1) there was too much emphasis on songs from the new records and not enough of the old stuff. No 'Regular John', 'How To Handle a Rope' or 'Mexicola', despite the constant adjurements of the bogan standing next to me. Just play it next time, guys!

2) There would have been time to play 'Regular John' et al if the band didn't indulge in unnecessary soloing and improv like they were Led Zeppelin or somesuch. I love QOTSA, but as a band they greater than the sum of their parts because each part is competent, but not genius.

3) I didn't see this myself (see '3)'), but apparently Josh Homme was wearing the tightest jeans eva and has unfeasibly large cods. Is anyone really surprised? I personally never imagined Josh being anything other than extremely well-hung.

4) I didn't see the Josh pants action because the show was at the Palace and unless you are as tall as Josh Homme, you can't see the stage. Especial thanks to the girl with the big perm who decided to squeeze in front of me and block what little view I had... until I kicked her in back of the knee to encourage her to move on.

So was it worth the stress, the frenzied bidding on ebay, and the lurking on rock'n'roll related message boards, pleading for a ticket? Despite my bitching, yes, 'twas good.

london's a blast, innit'

2005-07-29T22:00:00.000+10:00

For all those bored of the same old melbourne parties, here's a hint, take the party life on the road!! .... ok so that smacks just a little of self-justification but really, new scenery, new freaks, new drugs (anyone ever heard of AMT??), new friends, new psychadelic adventures, where can you go wrong, of course i'd love to import a few of the old faces but so far there is only one ugly mug who is putting in regular appearences, if anyone is tempted next stop is morocco, aug 25th-31st, rhythms of peace festival, six days of freaks on the beach, headlining - atmos, bamboo forest, whizzy noise (those non-trance nuts out there should like that DJ name) and son kite (pictured just to the right - if i can ever get the silly formatting on this thing working- they fucking ROCKED) should be a blast, if you need a travel agent i'm getting good at that game, just drop us a line, i'll get you you here for a reasonable price and a reasonable cut (a beer or two will do), but i digress, so i'm supposed to be a foreign correspondant for this silly blog, hmmm, guess i should be commenting on the state of fear and terror out here on the mothership, but really, does anyone care - judging by the lack of response to my last entry the answer is a resounding NO, all wrapped up in your own little worlds of mac geekdom, ebay failures and tacky internet jokes (ok the paris hilton thing was kind of funny), actually terror and parties can mix, helped out in the chill out at a psy-sex gig last weekend,(if you missed them in melbourne a few weekends ago, you are a fool) it was held in the tunnels under london bridge tube, now if you really wanted to get a good entry in on the bombing scorecard "london bridge is falling down, falling down, london bridge is falling down on 1500 freaks" would have been an interesting variation on the classic old tune, of course other than a couple of grumbles most people were too off their heads to care, "armageddon, whatever, bring it on", incidentally thats kwalli above, livin' it up on her US military stilts on the glade dancefloor, one of the more colourful characters i met that weekend (although by no means the most freaky, that award would have to go to the 6'6 giant purple naked man, alas i have no photos of him), Glade was pretty darn spectacular "Nine arenas. 3 days. Open Air. Belter" it promised me on my gestapo wrist band, "An english festival, a proper one" it claimed on the web site, didn't disappoint despite a particularly dodgy acidic period, fucking amazing, though here's a hint for all those travelling trancers out there, do not try and keep up with the average englishmans illicit intake, a ratio of about 5:1 their way is healthy ... yup guess i've done my duty, taken up enough space for now, blog does stand for blathering on gregariously right, (just let me know chicky-babe), ok so this last picture aint from glade, the mountains just dont get that big here, totally unrelated but a beautiful photo nonetheless, one of the most magic spots on earth, if you want, i'll take you there some day ...

oala's new blog

2005-07-26T14:36:00.000+10:00

That nasty oala has a new blog, finally
fuckin rah

the beginning of a beautiful blog ....

2005-07-25T13:29:00.000+10:00

I've been so busy I've barely had time to think about this poor neglectorino blog, let alone think of something interesting or original to post on it.

So I would like instead to draw your attention to this spectacular piece of blogging genius, the missing 'original' post from pete's blogheadfuckroll

"I thought of starting a blog the other day. Even considered starting a photoblog... Why? Well, it was Sunday morning I think... I got up, made a coffee and a joint and sat down to have a crap. Anyway, after completing all of the above I stood up to notice that I had laid the most perfect turd ever! It was long, perfectly cylindrical and was standing *vertically*! Well, actually it was leaning against the back of the bowl,but that didn't detract from its perfection. Anyway, I'm sure you get my drift... I felt proud. The pride brought a tear to my eye. I thought to myself, if this doesn't warrant FP on a new blog then wtf does?? Turns out the batteries in my camera were flat so I ended up losing interest before Kate insisted I flush it... I still stand by the assertion that that would have been a top notch start to a blog. No, even more, that is the embodiment of what it is to blog..."

Thanks pete, you truly are a blogging genius

nice to know you caved in and got yourself a blog in the end :P

2005-07-22T23:20:00.000+10:00

so whats the deal ... no doubt you have all heard of the second attack on the motherships 'freedom', a rather pathetic attempt really, and thats where my query lies, good 'ol Al Q is usually a little better at what they do, does anything smell fishy to you?

Dear....

2005-07-22T10:38:00.000+10:00

1) The person that spent $177.50 on a Queens of the Stone Age ticket last night on ebay,

Congratulations. You must really love QOTSA. I'm kinda glad that you won, because I got into bidders' frenzy with about 30 seconds of the auction to go and bid $135, which I now realise is completely outrageous and stupid.

2) The person bidding against me for the ticket a couple of days ago (see previous post),

Tough luck, huh? I'm sorry about getting annoyed with you for outbidding me $1 a time the other day. I was being petualnt and childish. I'm sure you like QOTSA as least as much as I do, and I'm sure we both like QOTSA as much as the winning bidder, but we are not insane enough to spend more than twice what the ticket cost from TicketMaster7.

3) Queens of the Stone Age (and I'm looking specifically at you, Josh Homme, because everyone knows you drive the outfit),

$72.90 + bf is is bit much, don't you think? I mean, I like you and all, but I'm fairly sure that there won't be any pyro or animal acts, so what gives? Also you look like a bit of a surly cunt, Josh, so I assume you won't be cracking jokes and pulling redhaired girls of the crowd to party with back at your hotel (well you definitely won't be doing this now, considering I can't get a ticket!) .

4) Beat Magazine

You're usually so reliable with the +1s and extra tickets... what gives, fuckers, considering that you're co-sponsoring the show? I would have bought one, but you (through your 'agent') implied that I would be taken care of. I'm very cross with you right now.

5) Motorhead

NO SLEEP 'TIL VODAFONE!

Gotta Love Google

2005-07-21T12:46:00.000+10:00

Alright, alright already !!!

Damn all you imps for making me blog when I'm not prepared to do so....so suck on this one.

Lets face it - you deserved it !! making me rush my blog post.....

2005-07-20T23:26:00.000+10:00

i says:
i'll be famous
she says:
more famous than you already are
she says:
actually
she says:
you will only be famous if you actually ACCEpt the invite to become a blog contributor
i says:
looked like i could just make comments anyways
she says:
in fact you will never find inner peace or happiness if you don't accept the invite and start posting
she says:
you'll never find nirvana

Right, so here i am, consider me posted, can you send my enlightenment in the mail, 22nd cardboard box on the right, bricklane overpass, that should do for an address, an oh if you've got any left overs from dinner ...

Dear the person who is bidding against me on ebay

2005-07-20T14:12:00.000+10:00

The Queens of the Stone Age tix are mine, okay? Back away from the auction because you ain't gonna win this one.

And for heaven's sake, stop upping the ante by $1/bid. It's immensely irritating and makes me want to slap you down by bidding something outrageous.

For the amount I am going to spend (indeed, the amount they were at Ticketmaster) I expect pyro, dancing bears and Josh to invite me backstage for a line after the show.

Thank you.

miffed

2005-07-20T12:06:00.000+10:00

The Melbourne International Film Festival starts today - Who's going? I got the guide when I was nerding on in Siddles and have attacked it with a highlighter. Perhaps I should post my recommendations as per Mark's terribly orgainsed Miff blog.

I always thought that the word 'miff' had positive connotations - a cute way of saying something pleases you - perhaps this is because I associated the word with that sickeningly cute little rabbit that all the teenage girls at school were obsessed with.

But of course, I was wrong (imagine that?) and miff the verb means to annoy, or as a noun means a petty quarrel or a fit of pique - much like Countesses' last post.

As I'm typing this, the guys that are working on the the law building opposite my office window are having their lunch break at the top of the scaffolding looking out over the city and I'm thinking to myself now there's a lunchroom.

In fact, now there's a job! better at any rate than sticking around here and getting fucked up the erse by an organisation that is so frightened of the VSU that it's on the verge of self destruction.

Blogiquette

2005-07-18T11:19:00.000+10:00

I was procrastinating as usual and reading the comments posted on some (unintentionally) hilarious blogs, when I noticed a matter of etiquette that I was previously oblivious to. I've posted before that its my impression that many bloggers cannot cope with any response to their staggering works of heartbreaking genius that is less than laudatory. Some bloggers' comments sections are essentially circle jerks, and the stray critical or - god forbid! - negative comment inspires a disproportionately vicious 'defence'. Woe betide the non-jerking commentor if he/she has his/her own blog, as a phalanx of fellow bloggers will rain blood and hellfire upon the poor soul. Often, the blitzkreig involves impugning the sexuality/attractiveness/bloodline of the recalcitrant blogger, in the manner of Year 5 children excluding someone different.

I'm all for loyalty and protecting one's mates from harm and slander, but I find this propensity among bloggers really creepy. Admittedly, my sample is small and possibly not representative of bloggers in all of their wondrous variety, but still... Would these bloggers get their panties so wadded IRL? Scary thought, but I digress. The modern more I am curious about today is whether one should, or even has to, have blog before one can comment on the blogging of others.

Is this true? If so, why?

Then, of course, there is this.

Someone in Uruguay was looking at our blog?

2005-07-18T09:28:00.000+10:00

Well, you certainly have been a busy bee, Tchick. Brave-o and En-core. (Which reminds me. I have tickets to see Carmen in few weeks time, which is OK in itself, but d'you know that it's being performed in English? Is it just me, or is that a mite pleb? Doesn't everyone know the story already?)

Anyway, I had a go at some culinary genius this weekend , and spent some time with my hand up a duck's clacker searching for giblets. Then I picked gobbets of fat from around it's butt and the hole at the front where it's neck was before I wrenched it off and had to deal with a squiggly bit of what I assume was spinal cord. Exciting times, huh?

Remind me to learn how to post links to things that I think are interesting.

human for sale

2005-07-16T18:20:00.000+10:00

I'm worth $1,862,040 on human for sale

Firefox Bug Me Not

2005-07-16T16:40:00.000+10:00

And in other nerd news ....

If you're not already using Firefox, then this is ought to change your mind.

It's an extension that bypasses compulsory web registration sites, such as the Age or the New York Times

university discovers server breach

2005-07-16T16:36:00.000+10:00

Sheesh I'd hate to work in a University IT department if something like this happened

The book of Jim

2005-07-16T16:14:00.000+10:00

So I'm continuing to do my head in reading jim woodring's books - found a wonderful 'author's note' in his book of jim

"When I was a little boy I discovered I had the ability to produce drawings that frightened me out of my wits. Somewhere beneath the chaparral in the hills of Burbank, California, lie the remains of a leather pouch of my drawings; I buried them there when I was about six. I simply could not live with them"

I'm not surprised, Jim's adventures through his dimly lit but strangely resonating psychological landscape are literally giving me nightmares. Cheap thrills though :P

deployment of australian troops

2005-07-15T08:56:00.000+10:00

Oh, and Countess, I was originally going to leave this one well alone, but you asked for controversy.

wtf?

2005-07-15T07:34:00.000+10:00

Holy wrongness, batman, I don't know whether it's because I've been awake since five in the morning or if I'm just really a shallow, callous, cow, but I find this guy's site fucking hilarious. Oh, so offensive, oh, so wrong.

What's your ideal job?

2005-07-15T07:24:00.000+10:00

Well we've all seen the excel spreadsheet, but here's the website

Apparently I'm a lumberjack (and i'm ok, i sleep all night and i work all day).

Actually, the insomnia is killing me I think i'm going insane.

what must it be like to be jim woodring?

2005-07-13T21:46:00.000+10:00

described as "Rich and sweet as a piece of cherry cobbler; frightening as a glimpse of hell." I used to read Jim Woodring's "Frank" years ago, back in the day's of Elgin Street. I'd forgotten how extraordinary Frank's world is. I remember feeling a disturbing sense of having been dragged into a frightening man's psyche. Once you've been to his world you'll never forget them ... (click to enlarge)

five minutes of my life I'll never get back

2005-07-13T13:41:00.000+10:00

I swear I'll never get sick of this site

The world's ugliest dog

2005-07-13T12:42:00.000+10:00

He's so ugly even the judges recoiled when he was placed on the judging table, said his proud owner, Susie Lockheed, of Santa Barbara.

Jesus, this is going to give me nightmares ... Why in God's name would you have a world's ugliest dog competition though? I mean seriously?

Hands Across the Blogosphere

2005-07-12T13:06:00.000+10:00

I have just spent an enlightening half hour randomly searching other people's blogs, and laydeez, it's glaringly obvious reason why our blog is puttering along all on it's lonesome - we don't write anything as interesting as this:

* one female blogger ate pancakes and had soixante-neuf for the first time with her boyfriend!
* another female blogger was bemoaning the fact she couldn't find a boyfriend. Call me crazy, but admitting having genital warts on her blog may have something to do with that! Sexy!
* numeous bloggers of both sexes get drunk, and feel compelled to post both while inebriated (detailing the extent of their drunkeness) and also afterwards (repentently and hungoverly)! Drink up, Kissa!
* lots of bloggers post photos of their pets - wearing hats! wearing jackets! sleeping! sitting there! doing all manner of unusual things!
* Some bloggers have horrifyingly conservative politics. Some bloggers have excellent politics. I'm not sure where I am going with this one... I guess the world don't groove to the beat of just one drum/what might be right for you/may not be right for some...

I would name names and post links, but I a) am still uncertain of the new technology involved and b) have noted a propensity for bloggers to conduct Google and/or other searches of themselves. If they feel you have been insensitive about their pets/warts/69 or whatever, they bombard your comments section with whinges and encourage their friends to do the same. Bah! Who can be bothered with that? But come on, someone say something controversial!

What's Officer Cadet Miller doing with his spare time?

2005-07-12T09:57:00.000+10:00

three toed Slhoff

I mean, what would you do with your last four days of your civilian life?

Meet the "Three Toed Slhoff"

get it?

took me a few days, mind you i was pretty hungover at the time.

My cat is psychotic

2005-07-11T15:20:00.000+10:00

Clearly it's because she doesnt have one of these these

Can you hear the bunnies screaming ???????

2005-07-09T12:47:00.000+10:00

Having had to come into work today to well, work, I ended up , as you do spending some of my time watching the fabulous collection of 30 second movies reenacted by bunnies on the weblink www.angryalien.com which I thoroughly recommend for anyone looking for an easy laugh.

All you have to do is watch and laugh !!!!

As for tchick's increasing obsession with the nerdy things in her life - all I can say is that in space...no one can hear you scream. Go for it - everyone has an inner geek.

You asked for it

2005-07-08T12:28:00.000+10:00

You asked whether you were a nerd, and I responded truthfully, giving you a measure of your nerdity/nerdom/nerdiness for free!

I am your friend, remember?

what is the right expression? Any passersby, feel free to post (not that I assume we get much traffic) and lets have a really stimulating discussion!!

quoting the countess

2005-07-07T16:57:00.000+10:00

in an email sent just now .... "You are a colossal nerd" ... thank you Countess ... I just love the word 'colossal'

nerding on at XWorld

2005-07-07T16:32:00.000+10:00

hey kids, just in case you're wondering what i've been getting up to here in sydney! (click on the image to enlarge)

Irrelevant post just for the sake of it

2005-06-22T15:06:00.000+10:00

Just because I can, I suppose. And because I am monumentally bored. And maybe to revive Kissa and Tchick's interest in blogging - an interest, mind you, that they have boldly professed but have yet to actually demonstrate by even semi-regular blogging. (Clearly) I am bored, ladies. I'm at work and procrastinating. Entertain me.

Fickle-dee-dee

2005-06-15T13:46:00.000+10:00

Whilst my erstwhile compatriots question my dedication to the blogging cause - I can assure all of you that this is indeed not the case.

Countess - just because one does not always have the time to have a cuppa tea at work does not mean that one will lose interest in blogging as a new hobby.

Seriously - I spend more than 10 minutes trying to remember how to log into this damn thing to create a new post !!!

Newsflash: tchick has second thoughts about sharing her portion of the blogosphere with Countess and Kissa

2005-06-14T17:49:00.000+10:00

Well, YOU invited us here, tchick. Did you expect us not to post? I don't think either Kissa's or my occasional selfconscious posting will get in your way too much. Anyway, my money's on Kissa getting bored real quick and finding a new hobby, and you know that how fickle I am. You may have your blog back sooner than you think (bloody Indian giver!)

my blog's all at sea

2005-06-14T15:25:00.000+10:00

So now we have the lovely kissa and countess on board, can i still use this blog to let the world know what's going on in my fascinating life? And can I still muse about nerdy things like this. Who else is going to join forces with them next?

I'm trying to set up a webserver at home, something I've been meaning to do for years, but I may need some time to recover from the shock of finding out that someone has already registered tchick.com. How funny is that site though. It cracks me up also that they're offering it for sale with a "Make us an offer" . What's a good price you reckon? I mean i desperately want to capture all the traffic that are searching for russian ladies, aussie singles and military personals! *pissing myself* Military singles? ha, I had no idea such a thing existed .... I wonder if cadet officer M. knows about this? And for those of you who are disappointed that the military personals link of the (imposter) tchick.com site isnt working, here, I couldnt help myself ;)

I'm not scared of you and your tiny camera

2005-06-10T16:41:00.000+10:00

Tchick, it is all your fault for inviting us to join your blog. I, for one, like the name of your blog and think it should stay.

Also, laydeez, I don't think we are really utilising this blog properly. If we want to discuss personal matters like borrowing cameras etc, then maybe we should email or telephone each other, and save the blog for posts of a more blog-propriate nature.