A day at the colon clinic

Since the stir created by Kissa’ blog on colonic irrigation – and want of a good maiden blog, I decided to try it out. Yes folks, I had a colonic irrigation session.

Upon arriving at the clinic, I had to fill out the mandatory form, detailing any ailments etc and lastly: what I would like to achieve out of this session. I didn’t think ‘for the sake of journalism’ would be appropriate.

Whilst filling out the form, a couple of recent ‘irrigated’ female patients settled their payments and organised their next sessions.
“Next week OK - can I buy another ten pack?”
Can it really be that good?

I was led into the room. The soothing ‘nurse’ instructed me how to lie down and position my bottom and straddle my legs between this large blue potty looking object on a bed. Protruding from this object was a long thin tube which she lubricated and offered to insert into my rectum.
Nah, I’ll be right said I, all tough-like.
She left the room and I spent the next couple of minutes trying to insert that goddam tube up my arse.
She returned and gave me the talk on how she will turn on the tap and that liquid would fill my abdomen. I was to push down and expel all the water and waste into the ‘potty’.

“Ok I’ll stay with you until you so make sure you do it correctly” (that is - pushing liquid out of my arse).

I tried to be cool and gave a lame push. Nothing happened.

“Ok to give you some incentive, if you don’t push all the water entering your bowel will overflow and you will need to vomit,” she said.

I pushed harder; OK this was starting to become really humiliating.

I did a tiny squeaky fart and felt something ooze between my legs.

“Push harder!”

Can I have some privacy please, I stammered.

She left.
I exploded then rang the bell.

She returned and congratulated me on my satisfactory ‘flow’ .
“And you can observe it in a mirror to your right.”

Fantastic - I spent the next 45 minutes cramping, pushing and observing litres of crap floating down a large pipe. After a while I got bored just when I thought I’d seen last week’s pizza, and picked up the ‘propaganda’ they had lying around.
Wow, Coffee enemas, how woudda thought?

After 45 minutes she returned with a cup of some liquid.
Great I’m thirsty.

Nope, that electrolyte substance was poured into a funnel and right back up my arse.
After holding and releasing for two minute I was able to de-tube, clean up and get out of there.
I felt dizzy and light-headed.

“That’s because you’re detoxing” they told me…I thought it was just cos I was dehydrated.
I have to return for a follow up session to loosen the harder wastes.

Hmmm…treatment for skin disorders, terminal diseases and digestive disorders, or plain old money making scam ? Jury’s still out. Let me know if I’m looking more glowing next time you see me.
Right now I’m off to eat some blended mush for the next 24 hours.