Yucking it Up

I was bored and greedily speculating on what I might eat for dinner tonight, when I had the genius idea of searching for recipes on the ‘net. It’s not like I don’t have enough cookbooks, magazines about cooking, and bits of scrap paper on which I’ve scribbled down someone’s dying grandmother’s recipe for houloumopsomi cluttering up my house. Thing is today, Lucullus wasn’t looking to dine with Gordon Ramsay or Joel Robouchon – I wanted to find food that I could feel superior about; to point my finger and be sniffy about other people’s use of stock cubes, Hamburger Helper and French onion soup mix.

I am a horrible person, I know. But I wanted to feel all (self) righteous about ill prepared food lacking taste and nutritional value. Did I mention that I was bored and at work already?

At the site of an – who woulda thunk it? – American food (and who knows, possibly armaments and other evil stuff) conglomerate, I found some recipes that made me simultaneously giggle and feel more highly evolved than the Cro-Mags chowing down on this sort of rubbish.

Welcome to http://www.kraftfoods.com, where recipes featuring KraftSingles, that cheesy spread in a jar, and also that cheese in a box that doesn’t have to be refrigerated at least until you open it, are lauded.

According to Kraft, all you need to make 10 different ‘appetizing’ dipz are a packet of Philadelphia cream cheese and a jar of Miracle Whip mayonnaise, which you apparently spread on a plate and the top with combinations of salsa or spaghetti sauce and layers of Mexican, Greek or Italian (depending on the cuisine that you have aboslutely no respect for) ‘style’ cheese.

Interestingly, it doesn’t look anywhere near as disgusting as it sounds:




And paydirt! A recipe starring the cheese in a box I talked about earlier, which I assume is Velveeta® Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product. Is it possible that Velveeta bares so little resemblance to actual cheese that Kraft are not allowed to market it as such because that would be misleading and deceptive? World, get your crackers ready for VELVEETA® Hot 'N Cheesy Crab Dip!:



I think that it looks very much like a bowl of sick. Don't forget that it's served hot, peoples.

And for something that could be kitsch if it wasn’t so appallingly jingoistic, try the ‘Wave Your Flag mould’ for dessert. If only there were pictures… Did you know that you can buy jelly moulds in the shape of the American flag? Yes, my mind is boggling too. Wave Your Flag is basically jelly set in a flag-shaped mould – blue jelly for the bits with the stars, red jelly in the stripey part and the white piped on in the US equivalent of Dairy Whip. Tasty and patriotic! or utterly disgusting in all aspects!, depending on your political and culinary views.

I need some Mylanta now.